Since Valentine’s day is approaching fast, it occurred to me
that Manti Te’o should consider sending Lance Armstrong a token of his cyber
love; flowers, candy, human growth hormone, actually nothing says “I love you”
more in the virtual world than an e-card that pulsates through your firewall.
After all, the long tall Texan took some of the heat off the All-American cyber
dater by having his made for TV confessional during the same week that Te’o’s
story broke. In case you missed Lance’s mea culpa to the big (again) O, it went
something like this:
LA: forgive me Oprah for I have sinned (but not really,
cause everybody else was sinning too).
O: Forget it my son, you are still rich as hell, read 3 of
my book club selections, and I’ll forgive you.
LA: But I lost $75 million in sponsorship money in one day.
O: I’ll loan you the books.
LA: Speaking of books, I looked up the definition of cheat
in the dictionary one day and it said “to gain an unfair advantage” and I don’t
think I did that….but, I did break up with Cheryl Crow after she was diagnosed
with breast cancer…and that was while I was still allowed to be associated with
my LIVESTRONG cancer foundation… that’s not cheating, but it is kind of
shitty…Do I have to apologize to her too?
O: Maybe if you start jumping up and down like Tom Cruise
did on my show once to profess his love for Katie Holmes, she’ll forgive you…
LA: Not a good idea. I don’t want people to think I’m an idiot.
(cue: What a feelin…tonights
gonna be a good night..commerical break)
I have an idea Lance. Instead of telling us how tough it is
to be you right now and how sorry (sort of) you are, why not show us instead.
In 2003, while still being paid large sums of money by the
bike manufacturer, TREK, the Lance Armstrong, limited edition bicycle was
unveiled. Only 500 were produced (or at least that’s what you and TREK told
us), to commemorate your record setting 5th consecutive Tour De
Farce victory. The bike was a yellow
Madone frame with red and blue decals, Dura-Ace components and Bontragger
wheels. Without the LA commemorative,
limited edition factors, this bike might sell between $2-3,000. The LA bike
went for $6,999, because Lance was special, his accomplishments were special
and TREK was shutting down production after number 500 rolled off the
line.
But wait, there’s more.
Lance also sent you a 3 ft x 4 ft limited edition
lithograph, signed by the greatest American cyclist ever. (Truthfully, it was
signed by Lance, Greg Lemond refused to be a part of this scam). Along with
your certificate of authenticity (can there be a greater irony here?), you
received a jersey matching the frame decals on the bike.
Don’t look at it as buying a bike, but investing in a piece
of history.
Uh oh.
Now, I’m not sure how a class-action lawsuit works, but here
is where Lance and TREK can beat them to the courthouse.
I’m sure most folks will take $6,000 for their
troubles. That’s a meager $3,000,000 to
actually prove to people how sorry you are, you know, for almost cheating and
ruining the lives of anyone that tried to prove otherwise, along with scamming
500 of your fans out of $6,999. (I really can’t believe you haven’t thought of
this yet, since you are so sorry and all). I don’t think I even heard you
mention it with the big O. Perhaps it was edited.
I know you can do it, Lance. I was on the slopes of Alpe D’Huez
and saw that look of determination on your face. I even snapped a classic
photograph as you steamed by me on your way to victory. The Lance I saw that
day, has the balls, I mean ball, to pony up and make things right for at least
500 of the folks that he has conned all these years.
So, come on, Lance, make this a Valentine’s Day to remember.
We need something to cheer us up. It was sad enough that some college kid’s
cyber dating habits helped deflect the attention from you and vice versa.
Sadder still, was how Notre Dame wasted no time leaping to publically defend
their middle linebacker in, horrors of horrors, an online dating hoax. (Poor
kid. We could tell he could be easily duped by the way he flailed helplessly at
the Alabama running backs running by him in the BCS title game).
See, Manti and your fans have something in common. They both
have been victims of a terrible hoax. Where Manti was lured in by some hot pics
and a man’s voice pretending to be a woman, (who wouldn’t fall for that?), you,
along with TREK, dangled the promise to be a part of history to steal money
from your greatest supporters. So let’s
get that checkbook out and prove it’s not about the bike, and while you’re at
it, send Manti something too, just make sure he knows it’s from you.
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